Backstage: My Own Private Crackverse
by picascribit
Summary: What do the HP characters get up to when they're not acting in your fanfic? Come visit Remus Lupin's dressing room, sing karaoke with Voldemort and the giant squid, and debate canon vs fanon with Remus & Sirius. AU Crackfic poking fun at fandom cliches.
1. The Dressing Room

Eleven-year-old Remus Lupin sighed and put his hand on the door marked with a star and the initials "R.L.", reluctant to give it the final push. This was always his least favourite part of every gig. Someone bumped into him from behind, pushing him forward and forcing the door open.

"Watch where you're going!" he snarled at the large, hairy Someone behind him.

"Get a move on, kid!" the werewolf in the corridor growled back, baring its teeth.

Rolling his eyes, Remus entered the brightly-lit, bustling room. A few of its occupants greeted him warmly - and the wolf behind him grudgingly - but many of them did not look up from the curling pages of their scripts at all.

The room was large and circular, with interspersed mirrors and wooden doors running its entire circumference. In front of each mirror was a chair with a different name written across the back. Some were occupied, but many were empty. Powder compacts, bottles of foundation, eyeliner pencils, and various bits of costuming were liberally strewn over every surface.

"Hey, guys," the boy said despondently, perching himself on the chair marked "First Year Remus".

"Hello, lad," said the kindly, middle-aged man to his left, carefully setting down the script he was reading on top of a large photo album. "Are you well?"

He smiled sadly at the boy. His chair was labeled "Post-OotP Remus". First Year Remus wondered what that meant, and why the man looked so sad, but he shrugged it off. It was not in the nature of most eleven-year-olds - even sensitive boys like Remus - to think overmuch about the troubles and feelings of adults.

Instead, he merely responded with a shrug and said, "Okay, I guess. I got called in for a job today, which is good. Some girl's writing a fic about me." He wrinkled his nose delicately at the word _girl_. "Something to do with me making some new friends at school. I think one of them is called 'Cyrus' or something. But I don't see why anyone would want to be friends with someone, y'know, like me."

The older man looked as if he were about to say something, then closed his mouth, thinking better of it.

"New friends?" butted in a gangly teenager. "I bet it's Sirius and James and Peter. They're brilliant! You'll love them!"

A number of the men in the room stiffened at the mention of these names, but the two young Remuses barely noticed.

"Yeah?" said First Year Remus warily.

"Oh, yeah," the teenager sat backwards in his "Sixth Year Remus" chair, which had a school robe draped over one arm with a prefect's badge pinned to it. "They're the best. Especially Sirius." He grinned wickedly.

The young man sitting next to him - according to his chair, "Post-Hogwarts Remus", punched the teenage boy in the shoulder. "Hush!" he said. "You'll spoil it for him. You know we're not allowed."

"Not so much a spoiler as a warning," said a man in his mid-twenties - apparently called "Lost Years Remus" - darkly from across the room. "If he's about to meet Sirius Black -"

"Sirius Black!" snorted another teenage boy - Straight Remus - loudly. "All this lot ever talks about is Sirius Black! I mean, all right, he's a good friend, but honestly! Listen to me, boy; you don't want to end up like this lot. Look at them! They all turn out a lot of sad old poofters."

"Don't pay any attention to him." Sixth Year Remus grinned at his eleven-year-old counterpart. "He's just bitter because he's stuck with that horrible girlfriend. That Mary Sue Muggleborn, or whatever her name is." He patted First Year Remus's hand. "Trust me; you don't want to turn into him. Classic closet case. Our way is much more fun."

Post-Hogwarts Remus nodded in agreement. "Just go out there and get to know those other boys," he said with a wink. "And don't worry about the future; it will happen naturally in its own time."

First Year Remus nodded uncertainly. He didn't really understand what the older Remuses were talking about.

"Oh, Yes!" another Remus, about the same age as Post-Hogwarts Remus, leered at him as he flounced across the crowded room. "Do what feels _natural_. I know what comes naturally to me when I see the _divine_ Sirius. You know what he's simply _faaaaahbulous_ at?"

Post-Hogwarts Remus elbowed him sharply. "Shut up, Flamboyant Remus!" he hissed. "You're going to give us all a bad name!"

"Well, if you're going to be like that!" said Flamboyant Remus in a very huffy tone, taking a crumpled cigarette out of the pocket of his tight leather trousers and dangling it from limp fingers.

"Hey!" said Post-Hogwarts Remus. "I don't smoke! You're being a bad influence in front of our young counterparts here."

Flamboyant Remus stuck out his tongue and lit up. "I _can't_ influence him," he objected, dramatically blowing out a cloud of smoke. "None of us can, really. He'll either turn into me or be all stodgy and middle-aged before his time, like you. It's predestined. It's written. Nothing we can do about it."

Post-Hogwarts Remus glared at him for a moment longer, then turned back to the boys. "Ignore him. Turning into him is almost worse than turning into Closet Case over there. Though I'm not entirely convinced the one _won't_ become the other," he added thoughtfully.

"Give that one a couple years," smirked Flamboyant Remus. "He'll give new meaning to the term 'nancy-boy'." He leered at the boy's hunched shoulders, then appeared to lose interest. "I'm going to go spy on the Sirius dressing room. Anyone coming with?"

Looks of sad longing appeared on the faces of a couple of the older Remuses. The friendlier of the two teenage Remuses looked as if he might be up for the caper, but at last, he sighed and said, "I wish I could, but I'm on in ten, and I wouldn't want to be late for this." He waved a sheaf of papers. "Anyway, the Siriuses don't get along half as well as we do. They fight like cats in a sack."

"What's your gig?" asked First Year Remus, curious about the sort of fics he would be playing in five years hence.

Sixth Year Remus blushed, but looked faintly pleased with himself. "It's - er - a romantic story."

"Let me see that!" Flamboyant Remus snatched the script out of his hand. "_Oooh!_" he squealed. "It's a 'first time' fic! I _love_ these!" He thumbed through the pages. "Though she does seem to use the word 'throbbing' a bit much for my tastes. Listen to this -" He struck a dramatic pose.

"_His eyes burned with passion unspoken, but the throbbing bulge in his trousers spoke volumes. He stripped, proudly displaying the first hint of chest hair. 'Oh, Baby - '_"

He glanced critically over the top of the pages. "'Oh, Baby?' Since when do we refer to _anyone_ as 'Baby', except in the context of 'don't be such a baby; it's not that big'? And have you even _got_ any chest hair, Dahling?"

"Well, why do you think I came in to makeup so early?" muttered Sixth Year Remus self-consciously. "Give me back my script; it's not fit for Little Moony."

"Who?" asked First Year Remus, confused.

"It's not fit for _anyone_," sighed Flamboyant Remus tragically. "I swear; the quality of fanfic today! Anyway, off I go to have a peep at Messrs Tall-Dark-and-Sexy. TTFN, ladies!" He waved gaily and exited the room.

"Will you lot keep it down over there?" growled the werewolf. "How's a bloke supposed to memorise his lines amidst such carryings on?"

"What are you talking about?" said Sixth Year Remus. "You haven't _got_ any lines. You're a sodding _werewolf_, for Merlin's sake!"

"Well, in this, I have," the wolf replied with some dignity, indicating a much-rumpled script marred by muddy pawprints. "And I want to memorise them. Also, has anyone seen my snout powder? It's gone missing again. I hate it when my nose goes all shiny."

"You're sitting on it," pointed out Post-Hogwarts Remus. "I swear; dogs never look before they sit down." He shook his head in disgust. "To think I have to be anything like him once a month!"

"Thank you," said the werewolf coldly, dignity somewhat impaired as he fished about under his plumed tail for the powder puff and compact.

He liberally applied dark powder to his nose, with the end result looking very much the same as it had begun, nodded at the mirror in satisfaction, and went to one of the dozen or so doors that ringed the room. The door was labeled "Shrieking Shack". First Year Remus thought that sounded somewhat ominous, but refrained from commenting. If there was a door for it, he'd probably end up there sooner or later.

"Wish me luck, boys," said the wolf, and turned the knob with his paw to grudging calls of "luck," from his fellow Remuses.

The room beyond the door looked dim and dusty and was littered with broken furniture. _Mum wouldn't want me going into a place like that,_ thought the youngest occupant of the dressing room.

"Cheer up, lad," said a Remus in his mid-thirties - one whose chair was mysteriously labeled "Reunited Remus" - "It's not all doom and gloom. There will be good times as well. Many good times."

Lost Years Remus and Professor Lupin gave Reunited Remus matching incredulous looks. Lost Years Remus immediately turned bitter eyes back to his section of the countertop, and glared at his collection of eye shadow, but Professor Lupin looked thoughtful.

"Right. There will be lots of good times!" agreed Post-Hogwarts Remus enthusiastically. "And lots of hot se - You'll fall in love!" he hastily amended. He and Reunited Remus exchanged knowing smiles.

"Yes, it was wonderful," intoned the melancholic Post-OotP Remus. "There was definitely enough good to balance the bad. But such extremes! It was hardly to be endured."

"Hush!" said Reunited Remus. "You'll spoil the ending for all of us. What are you in for today, anyway?"

"Nostalgia fic. Bonding with Harry. Heavy on the reminiscing." He patted the photo album. "You know; the usual."

First Year Remus noted that all of the other young Remuses looked just as confused as he felt. "Who's Harry?"

The oldest Remus smiled at him a little sadly. "One thing at a time, lad. You haven't even met James yet."

"Oh," said the youngest Remus, tiring of the "wait until you're older" line and quickly losing interest in the thought of people he didn't know, however important they might become to his life one day. "Well, I guess I'd better get to it."

He took one last look at his script, and then set it carefully down on his chair before heading toward the door labeled "Hogwarts Express". As he opened the door, the sound of a train rushing along its tracks could be heard, and the English countryside seen streaming past the windows.

All the other Remuses in the room fell silent as they watched the young boy go through the door to meet his destiny.

As the door gently closed behind him, shutting out the sound of the rails, Post-Hogwarts Remus turned to Sixth Year Remus and said, "How long do you think it will take him to figure it out?"

"That's sort of up to the fangirls, isn't it?"

"Well, you know, it is and it isn't," said Post-Hogwarts Remus. "Sometimes I feel I can almost reach in and tweak their minds - pull the threads of the story to my own liking. Not the overall plot, of course, but I can usually get them to give me a scene or two, or nudge them in the right direction, if I whisper to them what I want. So, how long? I bet you a tenner he's one of the quick ones. I'll bet he knows by third year."

"Oh, c'mon! Fifth year at the outside! And it took _you_ longer," his sixth year counterpart scoffed.

"Yeah, but I've got a feeling about this one, and I'm looking to make some money," said the older Remus.

"You still owe me for Closet Case over there. I said he'd take even longer than you did."

"Well, he hasn't quite made it that far yet, has he?"

"Wait and see," said Sixth Year Remus. "After all, it's not for us to guess the endings."


	2. Karaoke Night

_**Note:**__ The character Eurydice is my AU pre-HBP version of Voldemort's mother._

* * *

"What exactly is 'carry-oaky'?" Post-Hogwarts Remus asked, carefully putting his script away in a folder.

"Well," began Reunited Remus slowly, trying to think of the best way to explain the concept of karaoke to a wizard. "It's something Sirius and I picked up on holiday in the Caribbean."

"It's a sort of Muggle music game," supplied Sixth Year Remus helpfully. "You were out on a gig last time we did it. There's a machine that plays your favourite songs, only without the words, and you have to sing them yourself."

"How do you win?" asked Post-Hogwarts Remus, puzzled.

"You don't. It's not that kind of game," replied Sixth Year Remus. "Well, I guess you could have judges, but that's more like a contest. And not as much fun. It's more fun when people do it badly, and you can take the piss out of them."

"Interesting," mused Post-Hogwarts Remus. "That actually does sound like fun. Were you thinking of doing it tonight?"

Reunited Remus nodded, still busy putting away his makeup. "Enough of us are off tonight. It's a holiday weekend, so hardly anyone is writing fanfic. I was just going to ask around down the hall and see if any of the others wanted to join in."

"Join in what?" asked Post-OotP Remus, entering the dressing room through a door labeled "12 Grimmauld Place". He set down the large leather-bound photo album he was carrying on his section of the countertop.

"These guys want to play a Muggle music game called karaoke tonight," Post-Hogwarts Remus replied.

Post-OotP Remus groaned. "Not that again! Don't you remember what happened last time? Mr Camper-Than-a-Row-of-Pink-Tents hogged the mic and wouldn't let anyone else on," he explained to Post-Hogwarts Remus. "Sang almost every Queen song ever recorded."

"Well, he wasn't that bad," said Reunited Remus fairly. "Anyway, you'll notice that I am suggesting this while he's not here. You'll all get your turn in the spotlight this time. So who's in?"

* * *

"Welcome to Karaoke Night, everyone." Reunited Remus smiled as he surveyed the crowd. It was a much better turnout than he had anticipated, especially on such short notice. "I know things got a little out of hand last time, but hopefully in the absence of my flamboyant counterpart, things will go a bit more smoothly." _Not that I don't see a number of potential drama queens in the audience tonight,_ he added silently. "Who would like to do the honours of tonight's opening number?"

"Oh! Me! Can I please?" begged a blond man wearing a peacock blue hospital gown, already climbing onto the stage.

Reunited Remus groaned inwardly. "Erm - sure, Gilderoy. That is, do you already have a song picked out?"

"Oh, yes!" Lockhart flashed his famous smile at the crowd. "I chose one from the list by the door. It's one that means a lot to me."

"I thought you couldn't remember anything?" called Sixth Year Ron from his place between his two best friends.

Lockhart's smile wavered only slightly. "Well, the title means a lot to me, anyway. I'm going to sing a song called 'Memories' by someone called Leonard Cohen."

There were a few stifled giggles from the room at large as Reunited Remus waved his wand at the karaoke machine and went to his seat near stage left with Reunited Sirius, two other Remuses, and a Hermione.

_Frankie Laine was singing "Jezebel."_  
_I pinned an Iron Cross to my lapel._  
_I walked up to the tallest and the blondest girl._  
_I said, "Look, you don't know me now but very soon you will;_

Unsurprisingly, Lockhart's performance was less than impressive. Most of his focus was devoted to squinting at the screen, reading the words. His voice quavered in and out of key, but he kept smiling, and the song ended to polite applause. He bowed graciously before handing on the microphone to Sixth Year James, and finding his seat between Molly Weasley and Tonks.

"Evening, everyone!" James flashed his Quidditch Captain grin around the room. "I have a song I'd like to sing tonight for a very special lady in the audience."

A faint blush, coupled with a look of annoyance, appeared on the face of a pretty redhead seated at the table with the other young Marauders, as James pointed his wand at the machine.

_Fortune has me well in hand, armies 'wait my command_  
_My gold lies in a foreign land buried deep beneath the sand_  
_The angels guide my ev'ry tread, my enemies are sick or dead_  
_But all the victories I've led haven't brought you to my bed_

_You see, everybody loves me, baby, what's the matter with you?_  
_Won'tcha tell me what did I do to offend you?_

Reunited Remus chuckled. He glanced around the room, taking in the laughter of the various Siriuses, Jameses, Peters, and even a Dumbledore or two. Sixth Year Lily looked nonplussed as James pranced and bounced across the stage in true rock star style.

"Thank you, thank you!" he called to the applause and whistles of his friends. "I'd like to ask my good friend Padfoot to join me up here for a moment. We have a song we would like to share with you all."

Sixth Year Sirius bounced up onto the stage next to James, and the three Remuses - Reunited Remus, Lost Years Remus, and Post-OotP Remus - all sighed.

Reunited Sirius squeezed Reunited Remus's hand with a chuckle. "I _was_ awfully pretty, wasn't I?" he said with a wicked grin.

"Yes," Reunited Remus replied. "You were. Not bad now, either."

He leaned to kiss his Sirius while the other two Remuses were busy watching the antics on stage. The Hermione at their table gave them a withering look.

_Singin' joy to the world!_  
_All the boys and girls, now!_  
_Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea!_  
_Joy to you and me!_

"All right!" James called out as they finished. "We have just one more song before we give up the floor. Can I get Moony and Wormtail up here please? You guys know this one!" The two other boys scrambled up onto the stage, Peter wide-eyed and pale, Remus blushing shyly.

As the first chords sounded, Reunited Sirius looked longingly up at the stage. "Can I go up, too, Moony?" he asked softly.

"Wait your turn, Padfoot. Let the boys have their fun."

_We are the champions, my friends,_  
_And we'll keep on fighting till the end!_

At last, the four boys took their bows and returned to their seats. Sixth Year Lily immediately jumped up and took the stage.

"I also have a song for someone in the audience," she said, narrowing her eyes at the still-grinning James. She flicked her wand at the machine.

_You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you._  
_You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you._  
_Don't you? Don't you? _

The last notes had barely faded away when someone gently unwrapped Lily's fingers from the microphone. She looked up, startled, into the face of Post-Hogwarts James.

"Don't worry, Lils," he said with a smile. "I get the point."

"No spoilers," she whispered, blushing.

"Of course not, Love."

He gave her a gentle push in the direction of her seat. She wandered back in a daze.

"You have to admit," Reunited Sirius commented, "he matured well."

"I'm going to bring the tone back to earth a little, I'm afraid," Post-Hogwarts James was saying. "Life's not all fun and games, and I think I'd better prove that I can take things seriously, before my lovely wife starts to side with her younger counterpart."

He blew Post-Hogwarts Lily a kiss where she sat with the other Post-Hogwarts Marauders. She reached up and pretended to snatch it out of the air. A dark-haired baby was cradled against her breast. Sixth Year Lily's eyes went even rounder, and she looked away quickly, ignoring Sixth Year James's nudge.

_Well I live here with a woman and a child,_  
_The situation makes me kind of nervous._  
_Yes, I rise up from her arms, she says "I guess you call this love";_  
_I call it service._

"Oh, good choice," murmured Lost Years Remus, sitting next to Reunited Remus. "The foreshadowing almost makes me shiver." He glanced sadly from the James on the stage to the Lily with the baby.

_You cannot stand what I've become,_  
_You much prefer the gentleman I was before._  
_I was so easy to defeat, I was so easy to control,_  
_I didn't even know there was a war._

By the end of the song, James's gaze had switched from his wife to Post-Hogwarts Peter, sitting next to her. As if in a daze, Peter stood up.

"I have a song I'd like to do," he said, his voice cracking.

"How about 'The Traitor'?" called out Reunited Sirius. There was a murmur of agreement from around the room.

Peter looked nervously for a friendly face in the audience. Apparently he found one. "I'd like -" he cleared his throat. "I'd like to sing a song for a lovely lady who's here tonight."

As the music began, Reunited Sirius groaned. "Madeleine Yaxley. That stone cold Slytherin bitch! What does he see in her?"

There were other groans coming from around the room. "Enough with the bloody Cohen, already!" someone shouted.

Reunited Sirius shot a grin across the room that showed all his teeth. "It's my poofter boyfriend's collection," he called. "It's either this or Queen; your choice!"

Reunited Remus stuck his tongue out at his Sirius.

"Don't stick that out unless you're planning to use it, Moony," Reunited Sirius said, leaning in and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

They were interrupted by a broken sob from across the table. Post-OotP Remus had his arms around Lost Years Remus, and was patting him on the back awkwardly, making shushing noises.

"I hate AU," Lost Years Remus sobbed.

Post-OotP Remus looked strained, but said nothing. Reunited Remus and Sirius gave one another a regretful look, and reluctantly broke apart.

_Then she dances so graceful,_  
_And your heart's hard and hateful,_  
_And she's naked, but that's just a tease._  
_And you turn in disgust_  
_From your hatred and from your love,_  
_And she comes to you light as the breeze._

Peter sang in a quavery voice, his glance shifting nervously about the room, as if looking for an escape. When at last he finished, he hesitated. There were no friendly faces at his former table. Leaving the stage, he took the empty seat next to a pretty dark-haired woman who sat with a number of shady characters.

"Did you have a song you wanted to sing, Maddy?" he asked, putting a possessive arm around her.

"In a bit," she replied, nodding toward the stage. "Narcissa's on next."

Narcissa Malfoy looked scared but determined in the spotlight. "I have a song," she said, and hesitated. "I think a - a friend wants to sing this with me." She looked around. "Eurydice, Sweetie, are you here? Can someone dim the lights, please?"

As the lights lowered, a ghost emerged from the shadows, dressed in Muggle clothing of the 1920's. She looked very young and a little frightened, but found some strength in Narcissa's gentle smile as she took the stage beside her.

"This is a song," continued Narcissa, "for the men we hold dear. All we ask is that they stop and think for a moment."

_The blood, the soil, the faith_  
_These words you can't forget_  
_Your vow, your holy place_  
_O love, aren't you tired yet?_  
_So many graves to fill_  
_O love, aren't you tired yet?_

"That's almost sweet," murmured Reunited Remus. "But I doubt it will have the desired effect. I'd hoped that things would be a little more upbeat this evening." Then he groaned. "Looks like Lucius has a response. This can't be good."

Lucius Malfoy smoothed back his pale blond hair, eyeing his wife's retreating form coldly. "Women understand nothing of purity and pride," he complained. "Love, home, family. What are these things worth without a strong pure-blood foundation? The future lies in the hands of the Dark Lord. He will bring Wizardkind into a new golden age!"

_Give me back my broken night,_  
_My mirrored room, my secret life._  
_It's lonely here, there's no one left to torture._  
_Give me absolute control_  
_Over every living soul_  
_And lie beside me, baby, that's an order!_

"All right, all right!" Reunited Remus threw up his hands in response to Reunited Sirius's eye-rolling. "I won't bring so much Cohen next time!"

"It's not you, Moony," Sirius replied affectionately. "It's just - why are all Slytherins such bloody drama queens? Between Snivellus's flouncing, Malfoy's primping, and Moldywart's world-domination complex - Do none of them know the meaning of the word 'subtlety'?"

Remus grinned. "Speaking of which, look who's next."

A tall, handsome, gray-haired man swept dramatically onto the stage, swathed in billowing black robes, under which he wore tight black leather trousers. A troupe of Death Eaters including, Madeleine and Snape, followed, eyes hungrily fixed upon the man. Lucius Malfoy handed over the microphone with a bow and a pompously humble, "My Lord," and joined the Death Eater backup singers.

"This is so wrong," murmured Reunited Remus. "Voldemort shouldn't be - _hot_."

"I just want the trousers," Reunited Sirius replied covetously. "Are those _sequins_ on his robes?"

Voldemort smiled seductively at the audience. "A few of you here tonight know of the power I have to offer those who champion my cause." His voice was deep and smooth. "Some of you - those who also know me as 'Dr Tom Love' - know the other benefits of being on my good side." Here, he winked broadly at Post-Hogwarts Peter, who blushed. "This song is dedicated to my luscious, loyal followers."

_The world is not enough,_  
_But it is such a perfect place to start, my love,_  
_And if you're strong enough,_  
_Together we can take the world apart, my love._

"At least it's not Cohen," Reunited Sirius commented.

"Thank you, thank you," Voldemort bowed. "For anyone wishing to find out a little more about the delights that await them in a life of service to the pure-blood cause, there will be an after-party at my penthouse. Bathing suits for the jacuzzi are, of course, optional." He bowed again, then left the stage with his entourage, apart from Madeleine, who now took the microphone.

"Now that the Dark and Delicious Lord has had his say," she purred, following Voldemort's retreating backside with hungry eyes, "I feel the time has come for me to have mine."

When she sang, she seemed to sing directly to Post-Hogwarts Peter, who sat transfixed, like a deer - or rat - in headlights.

_I put a spell on you because you're mine._  
_Stop the things you do, I ain't lyin'._

This time, it was Reunited Remus who rolled his eyes. "He betrayed us for _that_? He's weaker than I thought. I almost feel sorry for him."

"Almost," acknowledged Reunited Sirius. "I'm still going to kill him if I ever manage to get my hands around his scrawny rat neck. Oh, here's Snivellus!"

The greasy-haired, hook-nosed Potions master was taking the stage. Without preamble, he gave the karaoke machine a sneer and a flick of his wand and began to sing in a surprisingly-decent tenor.

_The walls of this hotel are paper-thin._  
_Last night I heard you making love to him._  
_The struggle mouth to mouth and limb to limb,_  
_The grunt of unity when he came in._

_I stood there with my ear against the wall._  
_I was not seized by jealousy at all._  
_In fact a burden lifted from my soul;_  
_I learned that love was out of my control._

"Aaaaand, we're back to Cohen," Reunited Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes again.

But Reunited Remus did not seem to notice. "Is he - singing about us?" he asked.

"Sounds like it," replied Sirius, leering roguishly. "Those old walls at Grimmauld Place aren't exactly soundproof, you know, and you do tend to howl a bit when you get excited."

Hermione glared at him.

"Why does she keep doing that?" Reunited Sirius whispered. "For that matter, why is she sitting with us?"

Reunited Remus shrugged. His attention was on a dark-haired young man who had greeted Snape as he came off the stage. "Is that _you_, Padfoot?"

Reunited Sirius looked over. "What? No, that's my stupid kid-brother, Regs. He's - What the _fuck_?!" For Regulus and Snape had just put their arms around one another, and were kissing passionately.

"Look away, Sirius," Reunited Remus admonished gently. "Fanfic, remember? Those girls will write anything."

Regulus took the stage.

"If he sings something insipid to Snivellus, I am going to vomit," Reunited Sirius declared.

But Regulus surprised just about everyone with his choice.

_I fought in the old revolution_  
_On the side of the ghost and the King._  
_Of course I was very young_  
_And I thought that we were winning;_  
_I can't pretend I still feel very much like singing_  
_As they carry the bodies away._

"Wow," said Reunited Remus. "Sounds like Regs wasn't so stupid after all."

"Yeah, maybe," Reunited Sirius replied grudgingly. "Little good it did him. Do you want something to drink? I need something to get the taste of him and Snivellus out of my mouth."

As Reunited Sirius headed to the bar, his younger counterpart, Sixth Year Sirius took the stage again. "Well, that was revolting," he said, echoing his older self's opinion. "My own flesh and blood. I can't think of a better antidote for such a sickening display than singing about the vision of sexiness I see before me." He winked at Sixth Year Remus, sitting next to his own empty chair, and nearly every other Remus in the room sighed with longing.

_The full moon is calling, the fever is hot_  
_And the wicked wind whispers and moans._  
_You got your demons and you got desires,_  
_Well, I got a few of my own._

The teenager's eyes never left his boyfriends' as he sang. The hunger burning there was so apparent that everyone else in the room felt like an intruder. When Sixth Year Sirius returned to his table at the end of the song, instead of sitting down, he took his Remus's hand and raised him to his feet. As if in a trance, Sixth Year Remus followed him out of the room. The door closed quietly behind them.

"What did I miss?" Reunited Sirius was back with the drinks. All three Remuses cleared their throats and crossed their legs, blushing slightly. Sirius laughed. "Something good, eh? Let's see; firewhiskey on the rocks all around, and _ooh!_ A sexy little umbrella drink for me!"

"And you call _me_ girly," said Reunited Remus with a smile, sipping his firewhiskey demurely. "Don't you know that drinking pink stuff will make you gay?"

"Hey, I resent that!" replied Reunited Sirius. "I'd stand up right now and sing you a rugged and manly song, only I don't actually know any. Besides, everyone knows it's buggering other men that makes you gay."

Remus laughed. "Well, if you're not going to sing, then I will. Once this mad poofter is done."

Post-Hogwarts Remus was in the middle of a song, perhaps inspired by the success of the previous number.

_You're just too good to be true._  
_Can't take my eyes off you._  
_You'd be like heaven to touch._  
_I wanna hold you so much._

Once the song finished, he left with Post-Hogwarts Sirius.

"Geez," said Reunited Sirius. "Where's everybody going?"

"Where do you think?" murmured Reunited Remus. "With so little fanfic being written this weekend, the sets will mostly be available. People can take their pick. Though I heard someone already has dibbs on the Great Hall staff table tonight."

Reunited Sirius grinned wolfishly. "Is the library taken yet? I know how that place always gets you excited."

"We're not going yet, Padfoot. You think I'm going to leave such expensive equipment in the hands of drunken maniacs?" He quirked an eyebrow. "Now, are you going to come sing with me, or am I going up by myself?"

Reunited Sirius gazed thoughtfully over his little paper umbrella. "No," he said after a long sip. "I think I feel like being serenaded tonight. Sing to me, Moony. And maybe I'll sing for you later." He winked broadly.

Laughing, Reunited Remus went to the stage and took the microphone in hand. He had been wanting to sing this song all night. It was his favourite. And if the audience were sick of Cohen, that was too bloody bad, wasn't it?

"This is a very special song for me, and I've been wanting to sing it for the very special man in my life. For years, I never thought I would get the chance, but apparently miracles happen."

_Ah, the moon's too bright,_  
_The chain's too tight,_  
_The beast won't go to sleep._  
_I've been running through these promises to you_  
_That I made and I could not keep._  
_Ah but a man never got a lover back,_  
_Not by begging on his knees,_  
_Or I'd crawl to you baby,_  
_And I'd fall at your feet,_  
_And I'd howl at your beauty_  
_Like a dog in heat,_  
_And I'd claw at your heart,_  
_And I'd tear at your sheet._  
_I'd say please, please._  
_I'm your man._

"I've got a shong!" slurred Lost Years Remus, stumbling across the stage towards him, drink in hand.

He nearly pitched forward, reaching for the microphone, but Reunited Remus caught him by the arm and steadied him. The drunken young man brushed him off and fumbled his wand at the karaoke machine.

Reunited Remus found his way back to his seat next to Reunited Sirius, who leaned over and said, "Nice song. Even if it _is_ Cohen. But are you sure it's a good idea to let this one sing?"

"You want to try telling him 'no'?" Reunited Remus raised a skeptical brow. "I remember what it was like being him. I was inconsolable for a long time, and drunk for even longer. Look at him." He nodded up at the stage. "That's me without you."

"Poor Moony," Reunited Sirius replied. "Disgraceful. Well, that settles it; I won't be letting you out of my sight ever again."

_Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts._  
_It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black._

_No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue._  
_I could not foresee this thing happening to you._

Lost Years Remus raged and wept into the microphone. When he finished, he stood blinking on the stage, as if unsure what to do next. Another of the Remuses stumbled up from their table to join him.

"Oh, brilliant!" Sixth Year Ron called sarcastically. "More drunken poofs!"

"You won' know thish one, Losht Moony," slurred Post-OotP Remus. "It'sh - new. Help me?" He held out his arms, and the other Remus almost fell into them. They clung to one another for support as the music started up.

_So we'll go no more a-roving_  
_So late into the night,_  
_Though the heart be still as loving,_  
_And the moon be still as bright ..._

_... Though the night was made for loving,_  
_And the day returns too soon,_  
_Yet we'll go no more a-roving_  
_By the light of the moon._

By the end of the song, Lost Years Remus was so moved that he lay down on the stage, snoring gently. Post-OotP Remus nudged him with his foot, shrugged, and launched into another song, clutching the microphone stand to stay upright.

_I'm burning up the road._  
_I'm heading down to 'Phoenix._  
_I got this old address_  
_Of someone that I knew._  
_It was high and fine and free,_  
_Ah, you should have seen us._

"You don't think he's suggesting that we're going to split up?" Reunited Sirius said, appalled. "Because I wouldn't do that."

But Reunited Remus remained silent. He could see for himself that he was with the oldest Sirius in the room. He was the only one who was silent, however. Everyone else groaned as Post-OotP Remus began a tearful rendition of "The Show Must Go On".

"Clear the stage!" someone called. "We've had enough of your bloody moaning for one night. And the next person who sings something by Leonard bloody Cohen, I am going to personally come up there and wrap that microphone cord around their sodding neck!"

Reunited Remus and his Sirius hastily removed the drunken diva before anyone started throwing things. He lifted Lost Years Remus awkwardly, while Reunited Sirius took the bewildered Post-OotP Remus by the arm and gently led him off stage, depositing him back in his seat with a pint of water and a "There you go, mate."

When Reunited Remus returned after finding a soft place to stash Lost Years Remus while he slept it off, he took one look at the stage and groaned. A huge, hairy form was mincing back and forth, gruffly and monotonously attempting to sing "Bad Moon Rising", to which he seemed to have forgotten most of the words.

"How long has he been up there?" he hissed at Reunited Sirius, who now sat alone at the table with the silently glaring Hermione.

"Too long. He's already mangled 'Born to be Wild'. No one wants to tell a werewolf where to get off, though."

"This is just plain embarrassing," said Reunited Remus, putting his face in his hands.

As the song finished, he hurried up to snatch the microphone out of the wolf's claws before he could think of another song he almost knew.

"Thank you! Thank you, Werewolf!Remus, for those lovely renditions of two great, classic songs. But now I think it's time we yield to floor to the younger folks. What do you say?"

The wolf shrugged and shuffled off stage as Reunited Remus cast about the room for volunteers.

"I'll go," spoke up the glaring Hermione, shooting a last poisonous glance at Reunited Sirius.

He reluctantly handed over the microphone as she gave him a smile which froze the marrow of his bones, and returned to his seat beside his Sirius. Hermione's eyes never once wavered from Reunited Remus as she sang.

_If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start._  
_But I would rather you let me give my heart_  
_To Sir with love._

"Well, _that_ explains a lot!" laughed Reunited Sirius. "She's got her eye on you, Moony. But that's too bad; you're mine."

He drew Reunited Remus toward him for a passionate and theatrical kiss. Remus heard a loud "_tsk!_" from the direction of the stage, and a moment later, a door slamming, but he was too busy to take much notice. By the time they broke apart, flushed and panting, six figures had taken the stage.

A different Hermione held the microphone. "Well, _that_ was embarrassing!" she declared. "And may I just say, completely OOC. As if canon doesn't make it obvious who I'll end up with!" Next to her, a tall, red-haired boy looked smug. "Anyway, Harry, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Ron and I have a song we'd like to do."

The six teenagers did a very nice job on "Wouldn't it be Nice?", the boys and girls casting occasional shy, affectionate looks at one another. As they left the stage, Hermione and Ron were holding hands, as were Harry and Ginny.

"They must have fixed the water at Hogwarts," commented Reunited Sirius.

"What?" said Reunited Remus, confused.

"Prongs used to say it all the time. 'There must be something in the water'. Because of how almost everyone in our year was gayer than a jar of billywigs. That is, if you believe the fangirls. Not that lot, though." He nodded at the teenagers. "Breeders, every one. Well, almost," he amended, as Neville cast a longing look at Harry.

Reunited Remus snaked an arm around his waist. "Whether it was the water or not, I've no complaints."

Sixth Year Ron, laughing, was being urged back toward the stage by his friends. At last, he threw up his hands and said, "All right, all right! I'll do it! But only if Ginny goes next." Taking the microphone, he cleared his throat. "This is a song that - I dunno - I just kind of like it."

"Are you sure about the water being fixed?" Reunited Remus asked dryly as the music began.

_Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon_  
_You come and go_  
_You come and go_  
_Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream_  
_Red, gold and green_  
_Red, gold and green_

"Hmmm," said Reunited Sirius. "I wouldn't've pegged him for one of us. Too oblivious."

Sixth Year Ron gave way to his sister, who sang a rousing rendition of "Just a Girl". She was followed by an unfamiliar girl with piercing violet eyes and waist-length black hair which bore purple and silver streaks. She was gorgeous and skinny, and wore a figure-hugging black leather outfit which accentuated curves in all the right places.

"I'm Marvola Arwen Raevyn Yvette Salazara Umekiko Elfynchyld from Cali, & I wanna dedicate this song 2 my 2 BFFs, Hermione Guinevere Electra Jasmine Granger-Malfoy & Ginevra Aurelia Ophelia Miranda Weasley-Zabini. Makeover party 2nite!"

"_Who?!_" Hermione and Ginny gagged.

The girl didn't bother with a wand, but started the music with a flick of her fingers, calling up the element of karaoke to do her bidding.

_I don't care what my teachers say,_  
_I'm gonna be a supermodel._  
_And everyone is gonna dress like me, wait and see,_  
_When I'm a supermodel._  
_Cause I'm young and I'm hip, and so beautiful,_  
_I'm gonna be a supermodel._

"You invited a _Mary Sue_?!" asked Reunited Sirius in disbelief.

"Well, I had to, didn't I?" replied Reunited Remus, nettled. "She heard me inviting the Harrys - you know how Mary Sues congregate around those boys - and she said that if I didn't invite her, too, she'd crash the party, and bring all the other Mary Sues with her."

"Founders preserve us!" cried Reunited Sirius. "Why do fangirls write characters like that? They can't for one second believe that other people are interested in reading about them, can they?"

Reunited Remus sighed. "It's a mystery for the ages. She's sung her bit now, though. At least this one's not after _you_."

"As if I'd give her a second look when I've already got a sexy wolfman sitting with me," said Reunited Sirius smugly. "What does she have that I'd want? She hasn't even got a cock, for Merlin's sake!"

"You've never had to play straight?" asked Reunited Remus curiously.

Reunited Sirius shuddered. "Once or twice," he admitted. "I've got a straight counterpart, of course - you know they sometimes refer to him as the Original Gryffinwhore? - but when he's got the day off, sometimes one of us has to stand in for him."

"I had to shag Lily once," confessed Reunited Remus. "It was weird."

"Yeah, well, at least you never get paired with your own family!" Reunited Sirius shuddered again. "Apparently Blackcest is gaining popularity."

This line of discussion was thankfully interrupted by shouting from the direction of the stage where a Harry had taken the mic.

"I'M GONNA SING NOW, IF NO ONE'S GOT A BLOODY PROBLEM WITH THAT!"

"Why is Harry shouting?" asked Reunited Sirius, confused.

"It's CRAZYCAPSLOCK!HARRY," explained Reunited Remus. "I think it's an OotP thing. Teen angst, and all that."

"Ah." Reunited Sirius nodded sagely. "Do you think he's going to sing, or just shout?"

As it turned out, he did both, performing something called "Head Like a Hole", shrieking until his face turned red and veins stood out on his neck.

"Is that from your collection?" asked Reunited Sirius. "I don't recognise it."

"It's not mine," replied Reunited Remus. "He must have brought it with him. You think I'd listen to that?"

"It's not that bad. I mean, assuming the recorded version is better than what Harry's doing."

When Harry finished, a blond boy in eyeliner, all dressed in black and with a look of sullen disgust upon his face, took the microphone from him. Harry shouted. The blond boy sneered eloquently. He flicked his wand and another song began.

_No one knows what it's like_  
_To be the bad man,_  
_To be the sad man_  
_Behind blue eyes._

Reunited Sirius sighed. "Another Slytherin drama queen in training. Oh, here we go." He sat up a little straighter. Clearly, they were about to be properly entertained.

Two young red-haired men leapt onto the stage. One of them grabbed the microphone while the other stood by, grinning. Both bowed, as if to vast applause.

"Thank you! Thank you!" declared the one with the microphone. "We are Gred and Forge, live for one night only at the All-Hogwarts Fandom Karaoke Night. We have a sobering little number we'd like to share with the younger members of the audience, to remind them to treat certain matters with due seriousness."

The other youth took the microphone from his brother. "We would also like to dedicate this song to all the hundreds of children which fangirls have attributed to our loins over the years, forgetting that we are much too busy inventing things to shag anyone."

_Every sperm is sacred._  
_Every sperm is great._  
_If a sperm is wasted,_  
_God gets quite irate._

Their angelic voices rose as though in prayer at the chorus. As the music finished, they bowed again, thanking the audience.

"Remember, folks; Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes at 93 Diagon Alley caters to more than just your amusement. We also have a full line of contraceptive charms and potions in all your favourite flavours. Do your part to keep the Mary Sue population under control!"

"Gents, too," added his brother. "You know what those fangirls are like. We have charms and potions for the prevention of MPreg as well."

A look of horror crossed Reunited Sirius's face. "Maybe we should pick up some of that stuff, Moony. What do you think?"

Reunited Remus gave him a wolfish grin. "I'm just trying to picture you in maternity robes."

"What, and spoil my girlish figure?" preened Reunited Sirius. "If anyone's giving birth, it's you."

"Not if you don't want little wolf cubs, it isn't. If I got knocked up, you do realise we'd end up with a litter of six or so?"

"Really? I thought that was just a myth."

"Completely true," confirmed Reunited Remus. "I've done a lot of reading on the subject. Werewolf mothers are extremely prone to multiple births. Though I must admit, I'm not sure about Animagi. Maybe if you didn't change the entire time you were pregnant -"

Reunited Sirius gave a cry of exasperation. "I can't believe we're even discussing this! I'm swinging by Diagon Alley tomorrow to get some of that stuff!"

But Reunited Remus wasn't listening any longer. "Uh-oh," he said. "This doesn't bode well."

Two boys had just taken the stage, one with platinum blond hair, the other dark and brooding. Bolts of passion and hatred flashed between silver eyes and green. It was clear that the two were within moments of committing murder or some public indecency, but it was unclear which. A throbbing beat, charged with indelicate suggestion, suffused the air.

_You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you,_  
_You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you._

"This isn't one of yours either, is it?" asked Reunited Sirius.

"Erm - actually, yes it is," said Reunited Remus, blushing. "It's - er - catchy, isn't it?"

"Catchy," replied Reunited Sirius, crossing his legs self-consciously.

The two boys finished their number with a savagely passionate kiss.

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" declared another Harry from the audience, rising from his seat.

"For once, I agree with you, Potter," another sneering blond boy declared. "I can't bear another second of this filth. Crabbe! Goyle! C'mon. We're leaving."

With that, all the Dracos and their assorted cronies left, followed by a few disgusted-looking Harrys. A number of Rons and Hermiones looked at one another, shrugged, and followed. The pair who had inspired the exodus also departed, managing somehow to find the door, even though their mouths were still locked together.

"And as if that didn't kill the mood -" Reunited Remus murmured with an inward groan, seeing who was up next.

_Sometimes I feel I've got to_  
_Run away - I've got to_  
_Get away - from the pain you_  
_Drive into the heart of me_

"No." Reunited Sirius was wide-eyed with shock. "Just - no!"

"I'm afraid so," Reunited Remus replied regretfully. "Snarry is actually surprisingly popular."

"I won't have it," said Reunited Sirius faintly, but he made no move to stand. "I won't have that filthy, greasy _bastard_ buggering my godson!"

"Or vice versa?" Reunited Remus raised an eyebrow. "You want to try telling them that?"

Reunited Sirius put his face in his hands as the Snarry duo finished and departed, followed by the remaining Harrys, Rons and Hermiones, all looking distinctly ill after what they had witnessed.

"If you thought that was bad -" Reunited Remus's voice was tight with embarrassment.

"What?" Reunited Sirius glanced up. Expressions of confusion, suspicion and finally slowly-dawning horror flickered across his face. "That's _you_!" he said, horrified.

"It's _not_ me," insisted Reunited Remus. "It's Snupin!Remus."

"What's a 'snupin'?" Reunited Sirius asked incredulously.

"Er - that is." Reunited Remus nodded at the two men currently occupying the stage, who were singing "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".

"Great buggering Hippogriffs! He's got his hand on your arse! I'll kill him!" Reunited Sirius half-rose from his seat.

Reunited Remus restrained him with a hand on his shoulder. "Sirius, that's not me. Fanfic, remember? It's just a figment of some teenage girl's imagination."

"Any way we can see about getting her put on anti-psychotics?" Reunited Sirius grumbled. "The thought of that greasy git with his hands on you makes me ill. You've never had to stand in for that one, have you?" he asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I haven't," Reunited Remus assured him. _Not yet, anyway,_ he amended silently.

Once the Snupin pairing departed to partake of activates neither of the Reunited pair cared to contemplate, Reunited Sirius looked around the room.

"It doesn't look like there's anyone vomit-inducing left, thank Merlin."

Indeed, the room was now more than half empty. The Jameses and Lilys had all left long since, either for their own private trysts, or to put various little Harrys down for the night. The Death Eaters, too, had gone, no doubt to take Lord Dr Tom Love up on his penthouse jacuzzi party. Voyeuristic!Snape and First War Regulus were gone as well, and all that was left at their table was a set of Dursleys and the Mary Sue, who were looking at one another with grave suspicion.

A group of Order members was still present, clustered around one of the larger tables, talking and laughing and enjoying a round of drinks. Mr and Mrs Weasley held hands under the table. Moody sipped from his hip flask while his magical eye roamed the room. The twins shared a joke with a flushed and giggling Tonks. Lockhart had joined them as well, smiling vaguely around the room.

At another table sat a few members of the Hogwarts staff, though Dumbledore and a roaring-drunk Hagrid had opted to join an odd assortment of characters, including Werewolf!Remus, at yet another table.

"All right, all right!" Tonks declared, laughing at the grinning twins. She tripped as she bounced onto the stage, and grabbed the microphone stand to keep from falling. "Clumsy," she muttered under her breath, flicking her wand at the karaoke machine.

_I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,_  
_I'm a child, I'm a mother,_  
_I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,_  
_I do not feel ashamed._  
_I'm your hell, I'm your dream,_  
_I'm nothing in between._  
_You know you wouldn't want it any other way._

Reunited Sirius smirked. "Good choice for a Metamorphmagus," he commented.

Reunited Remus smiled. "You remember when she was just a little thing, and Andromeda would bring her over to our place all the time?"

"She had quite a crush on you." Reunited Sirius grinned. "I might have been jealous if I didn't know you'd never give a woman a second glance." "Well, she does look a bit like you," Reunited Remus teased. "And probably even more so, if she tried."

"She can't grow a cock." Reunited Sirius stuck out his tongue. "I've done my reading, too. I'm not worried about her. Any chance we can be getting out of here soon?"

"Soon," Reunited Remus assured him. "I think things are winding down. But maybe somewhere more comfortable than the library? It's getting late."

Tonks was followed by Mr and Mrs Weasley, who cast one another loving glances as they sang "As Time Goes By". The song brought a lump to Reunited Remus's throat, and he squeezed his Sirius's hand. Silently, he prayed that he and Sirius would have as long and as loving a union as Arthur and Molly shared.

Alastor Moody broke the mood, however, with a rather threatening rendition of "Every Breath You Take". All the remaining members of the audience would come away that night with an uneasy feeling of being under surveillance, which would persist for days. Moody had that effect on people.

"No! I wanna sing!" bellowed a voice from across the room.

Vernon Dursley's face turned purple as every wizard in the room turned their eyes toward him. "All right, Son," he said, clenching his teeth in a grimace of intended good humour as his wife clutched his arm with white-knuckled fingers and craned her long neck around the room in terror. "One song, Dudders, and then we're off. Don't know why we agreed to come in the first place."

The huge boy shook the stage as he jumped onto it and grabbed the microphone in his meaty fist. "You may be able to do magic," he declared defiantly, "but you wouldn't be so hot without your wands. I bet I could take any one of you!"

_It's the eye of the tiger,_  
_It's the cream of the fight,_  
_Risin' up to the challenge of our rivals._  
_And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night,_  
_And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger._

"Well done, Son!" Vernon and Petunia clapped and cheered when Dudley's number finished, though his singing had been cracked and off-key throughout. When they left, the rest of the room breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Shouldn't be doing magic in front of Muggles anyway," growled Moody, taking another swig from his flask.

"Relax, Alastor," said Arthur Weasley. "You know those rules only apply to canon."

Moody frowned. "I've never been comfortable in mixed gatherings. It doesn't feel right."

Reunited Remus and Sirius were distracted from this exchange by an altercation which was taking place on stage.

"The hell you will!" declared Minerva McGonagall imperiously. "The song was _my_ idea, and _I'm_ going to shing it - er - sing it."

She wrenched the microphone away from Sibyl Trelawney, who was unable to hold on to it and to the half-empty cooking sherry bottle. Reunited Remus leaped up and hurried to diffuse a situation which might be detrimental to his expensive sound equipment.

"Now, ladies -" he began.

"She wasn't going to do the shong!" screeched Trelawney. "She said sho!"

"Well, I changed my mind, didn't I, Sibyl?" Professor McGonagall smelled like a distillery.

Suddenly, much to Reunited Remus's relief, Dumbledore was there beside him. "Is there any reason why you cannot sing the song together, Minerva, Sibyl?" he inquired with Solomonesque wisdom.

The two women glowered at one another, then reluctantly nodded. "All right," said Trelawney. "But _I_ get to do the intro."

"Fine," spat McGonagall. "I hope you choke on it."

But she didn't. Even in her sherry-soaked state, Trelawney seemed to recall most of the words in the right order. When the music began, the two women forgot their differences, and belted out the chorus, arm in arm.

_It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!_  
_It's Raining Men! Amen!_  
_I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get_  
_Absolutely soaking wet!_

Afterward, Trelawney handed the microphone down to miniscule Filius Flitwick, who had to hold it with both hands. The two women helped one another back to their seats as the next song started.

_I remember doing the Time Warp_  
_Drinking those moments when_  
_The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling_  
_Let's do the time warp again!_

Reunited Sirius laughed out loud. "Who knew? I never would've pegged Flitwick for a Transylvanian. D'you think they make fishnets in his size?"

"I daresay," murmured Reunited Remus. "Though I doubt he looks half as good in them as you do, my dear." He laid a hand on Reunited Sirius's knee.

"Feeling a little frisky, are we?" Reunited Sirius said coyly. "Time to go yet?"

"Just a few more," replied Reunited Remus. "I promise I'll make it worth your while."

They were distracted by two hairy figures taking the stage. The werewolf was back, but this time he was joined by a very drunken and stumbling Hagrid. They didn't even bother with the music. Grabbing for the microphone, they began to sing, in the loosest possible definition of the word.

_Mahna mahna!_  
_Doot do do-do-do!_  
_Mahna mahna!_  
_Doot do-do do!_

The remaining audience groaned. Someone threw a plastic cup, but it bounced off Hagrid's beard, unnoticed. After a while, the repetitive lyrics petered out, and the two wandered off the stage in opposite directions. The wolf went to curl up under an abandoned table, and Hagrid did much the same in the far corner of the room. Both were soon snoring loudly.

Following this display of eloquence came another figure almost as small as Professor Flitwick. The house-elf appeared to be wearing a tea cozy on its head, large bat-like ears sticking out through holes in the knit. On its feet, it wore brightly-coloured, mismatched socks, and in between, it wore a red and gold "I Love Harry Potter" tee-shirt.

"Dobby would like to dedicate his song to Harry Potter, greatest of all wizards," it squeaked into the microphone. "If not for Harry Potter, Dobby would not be a free elf today, and would now be ironing his hands instead of singing to other great wizards, like equals!"

_I'm too sexy for my hat,_  
_Too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that?_  
_I'm a model you, know what I mean,_  
_And I do my little turn on the catwalk,_  
_Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, _  
_I shake my little touche on the catwalk._

The elf strutted and mimed and, indeed, shook his little touche on the catwalk. He appeared to be having great fun.

"Even Snivellus would be too sexy for _that_ hat," said Reunited Sirius, but he laughed at the elf's performance, and clapped loudly when he finished.

"Dumbledore's up next," commented Reunited Remus. "This should be good."

"What's that he's got in his head?" asked Reunited Sirius incredulously. "That's never the Sorting Hat!"

But it was. Dumbledore wore the patched and ragged thing proudly as he beamed at the few remaining audience members. The headmaster held up the microphone, and a split opened above the hat's brim, forming a mouth.

"Albus and I would like to sing a little song for you before the night is over. This is an old favourite of ours, which we're sure you'll love as much as we do."

_Spring was never waiting for us, girl._  
_It ran one step ahead_  
_As we followed in the dance_  
_Between the parted pages and were pressed_  
_In love's hot, fevered iron_  
_Like a striped pair of pants._  
_MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark ..._

Reunited Sirius raised an eyebrow at his Remus. "I suppose the night really wouldn't be complete without it."

"Indeed," replied Reunited Remus. "It's a truly dreadful song, isn't it?" A few nearby heads nodded in agreement.

At long, long last, Dumbledore swept the Sorting Hat from his head, and bowed low to the polite, scattered applause.

"Thank you, friends, for this opportunity to spread a little joy amongst you. And now I believe we have one last song for the evening. Gerald? Are you ready?"

"Gerald?" Reunited Remus and Sirius looked at one another. "Who's Gerald?"

With a sticky, popping sound, a figure detached itself from Dumbledore's table and squelched its way toward the stage. The giant squid of Hogwarts' black lake extended a tentacle and delicately plucked the offered microphone from Dumbledore's hand.

"Thank you, Albus." Its voice was smooth and cultured. "My very dear friends, I have been at Hogwarts longer than any of you know. I have watched you all come and go, learn and grow. I've seen you alone on the shores of my lake, casting stones of bitter disappointment. I've seen you hand in hand, falling in love for the first time. In allowing me to observe your lives, you have given me so much. Please allow me this opportunity to give you some small measure of happiness in return."

He reached out a tentacle to the karaoke machine and pressed a button. There was a loud _Zap!_ as the lights flickered and died, and the scent of fried calamari filled the air.

"Oh dear," said Gerald's voice in the stunned darkness. "I - ah, seem to have - hmmm. Yes." Then, very quietly, "Bugger."

"Now," said Reunited Remus with a sigh of resignation, "we can go."

* * *

_**Note:** All lyrics included in this story are the property of various artists and recording companies and NOT ME. I claim nothing. _

**SONGS FEATURED IN "KARAOKE NIGHT"**

Post-CoS Lockhart - _Memories_ by Leonard Cohen  
Sixth Year James - _Everybody Loves Me, Baby_ by Don McLean  
Sixth Year James & Sirius - _Joy to the World_ by Three Dog Night  
Sixth Year Marauders - _We Are the Champions_ by Queen  
Sixth Year Lily - _You're So Vain_ by Carly Simon  
Post-Hogwarts James - _There is a War_ by Leonard Cohen  
Post-Hogwarts Peter - _Light as the Breeze_ by Leonard Cohen  
First War Narcissa & Eurydice (OFC) - _The Faith_ by Leonard Cohen  
First War Lucius - _The Future_ by Leonard Cohen  
Sexy!Voldemort - _The World Is Not Enough_ by Garbage  
Madeleine Yaxley (OFC) - _I Put A Spell On You_ by Screamin' Jay Hawkins  
Voyeuristic!Snape - _Paper Thin Hotel_ by Leonard Cohen  
First War Regulus - _The Old Revolution_ by Leonard Cohen  
Sixth Year Sirius - _One of These Nights_ by The Eagles  
Post-Hogwarts Remus - _Can't Take My Eyes Off You_ by Frankie Valli  
Reunited Remus - _I'm Your Man_ by Leonard Cohen  
Lost Years Remus - _Paint It Black_ by The Rolling Stones  
Lost Years Remus & Post-OotP Remus - _Go No More A-Roving_ by Leonard Cohen  
Post-OotP Remus - _I Can't Forget_ by Leonard Cohen  
Post-OotP Remus - _The Show Must Go On_ by Queen  
Werewolf!Remus - _Born to be Wild_ by Steppenwolf  
Werewolf!Remus - _Bad Moon Rising_ by Creedence Clearwater Revival  
Lupincrush!Hermione - _To Sir With Love_ by Lulu  
Sixth Year Trio, Neville, Luna, Ginny - _Wouldn't it be Nice?_ by the Beach Boys  
Sixth Year Ron - _Karma Chameleon_ by Culture Club  
Fifth Year Ginny - _Just a Girl_ by No Doubt  
M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. - _Supermodel_ by Jill Sobule  
CRAZYCAPSLOCK!HARRY - _Head Like a Hole_ by Nine Inch Nails  
Emo!Draco - _Behind Blue Eyes_ by The Who  
Weasley Twins - _Every Sperm is Sacred_ by Monty Python  
Drarry - _Closer_ by Nine Inch Nails  
Snarry - _Tainted Love_ by Soft Cell  
Snupin - _Two Out of Three Ain't Bad_ by Meatloaf  
Tonks - _Bitch_ by Meredith Brooks  
Arthur & Molly - _As Time Goes By_ by Herman Hupfeld  
Mad-Eye Moody - _Every Breath You Take_ by Sting & the Police  
Dudley - _Eye of the Tiger_ by Survivor  
McGonagall & Trelawney - _It's Raining Men_ by the Weather Girls  
Flitwick - _The Time Warp_ by Richard O'Brien  
Hagrid & Werewolf!Remus - _Mahna Mahna_ by Mahna Mahna and the Snowths  
Dobby - _I'm Too Sexy_ by Right Said Fred  
Dumbledore & the Sorting Hat - _MacArthur Park_ by Jimmy Webb*  
Gerald the Giant Squid was planning to sing _Bridge Over Troubled Water_ by Simon & Garfunkel

* _Richard Harris, who played Dumbledore in _PS/SS _and _CoS_, recorded the most famous version of this song in 1968. It was subsequently voted the worst song of all time in Dave Barry's Bad Song Survey in the mid-1990's._


	3. Canon

"Moony?" whispered Sirius, voice tentative in the darkness.

Remus had been nearly asleep, and for a moment, he contemplated not answering. It had been a very long night involving too much firewhiskey, too much drama, and far too much bad singing. He sighed.

"What is it, Padfoot? It's late."

"I was just wondering about something you said tonight." The uncertainty in Sirius's voice made him sound absurdly young.

His tone filled Remus with tenderness, and he brushed away sleep for the few moments it would take to allay whatever fears had beset his lover in the darkness.

"What did I say tonight?"

"You said - about canon. Not to worry about things like Snivellus buggering Harry or - or - touching you. Because it's not canon."

Remus turned to Sirius and gathered him close in a reassuring embrace. "It's just fangirls, Padfoot. They have dirty minds. Don't let it trouble you."

"I know," Sirius replied. "But Moony, do you ever worry that maybe _we're_ not canon either?"

Remus hesitated. The thought had honestly never occurred to him. Whatever the other Remuses did didn't really matter, because he was real. Wasn't he?

"I've never thought that," he said firmly. "Not for a moment."

"Oh."

"Does it really matter, Padfoot?" he asked softly.

"Maybe. I don't know," Sirius replied, hands against Remus's chest to feel the beat of his heart. "I guess it doesn't. I mean, we're here, aren't we? And we're together. And we just had some really amazing sex. It just made me sad to think that maybe there's a real Moony and Padfoot who don't have this. Who maybe never found love. How much more terrible would it have been for us - all the things that happened - if we didn't have this?"

Remus rolled onto his back and pulled Sirius close, cradling the other man's head against his shoulder. He was suddenly more aware of the feel of bare flesh all down the length of his body than he had been an hour before when they were making love. How dear Sirius was to him. How precious. How lost he would be without him.

"Look at it this way, Padfoot," he said, fingers tracing the curve of an ear. "There's what? Three thousand or so pages of canon? And we turn up in maybe ten percent of it, if that. There are a few looks and touches, certainly, but you're right that there's not much evidence of this implied in the text."

He gave Sirius's arse a tender squeeze. Sirius tilted his head to find Remus's lips with his own for a long moment of silent understanding.

"That's not the only place we exist, though, is it?" Remus eventually continued. "We exist in the hearts and minds of fangirls everywhere. True, some of them are a bit twisted, but there are a few willing to give us a good story, a little romance, a little happiness. Because of their devotion, that tiny fraction of canon that was our first home is now only the smallest corner of our existence. What we have is real, not because of canon, but because the fangirls _want_ it to be real."

Sirius snuggled closer against his shoulder. "Thank you, Moony. I feel better now. You're right; canon doesn't matter so much to us."

"Think maybe you can sleep now?"

"I'll try."

Remus had almost drifted off again when Sirius said, "Moony?"

"What now, Padfoot?"

"If we exist and are real because of the desires of fangirls -"

"Yes?"

"Then that means that Snivellus really _is_ buggering Harry, doesn't it?"

Remus sighed. "Yes, Padfoot. It does. And you're just going to have to learn to accept it. Good night."


End file.
